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This is my entry for this week in LJ Idol Friends & Rivals ([Unknown LJ tag]). We got to choose between a number of subjects this week. I chose "When you live for someone you're prepared to die."



To my son, I am a Time Lord, zipping him off to adventures in our vessel, which looks like a 2010 Ford Focus. I've named her Serendipity, but he calls her Iron Bert.

At various times in our shared journey, I have been 10 times, 20 times, even 40 times as old as he. He sees me as the connection to universal wisdom, a role I scarcely feel capable of fulfilling. As often as possible, I try to answer, although sometimes I have to simplify my response to fit his understanding. Some things he will one day understand; some things I wish he never would. Sometimes I must admit that I ask him to stop asking so many questions so I can focus on fixing something difficult.

He looks up to me as amazing, looking past my raggedy, out-of-date clothing, the body I barely recognize. I have gone through many incarnations since I was his age, and I carry those selves within my memory. At times, I tell him about them, but I doubt he can grasp what those faint whispers of my reality mean to me, perhaps even to the universe.

Today, Serendipity became a diesel freight train, collecting animals on our way to his daddy's office at his new job, to drop off his computer reference books and desk toys. As we sauntered past a papier mache giraffe named Dumbledore in the lobby, I casually mentioned that we'd just dropped off a load of zoo animals in the parking lot. My husband seemed only a little surprised. We do this sort of thing a lot.

Right now, my little companion is playing with his favorite toy robot, a mecha model from the "Evangelion" series. He has renamed her Scrubby. As I write this missive, he chatters on: "I think Scrubby is a person in a robot suit. See? Shoes." I rely on that perspective, his creativity lightening my daily load.

He reminds me what matters: appreciating the scents, sounds, and sights surrounding us. Through him, I view the word anew. He delighted in the snow that buried the East Coast, tossing fluffy handfuls into the air to make "snow confetti." The delight in his eyes as he sledded for the first time was a divine nectar I couldn't stop imbibing.

And just when I am secure in my position as the wise protector, he surprises me by being the strong one. The boy who once cried plaintively when he didn't get his bedtime story now takes the book and flashlight from me on nights I can't keep my eyes open, to finish reading the book to himself. On the day my mom -- his grandma -- died, he gave me extra hugs so I wouldn't be sad.

A childless friend once asked me why I got the best possible case for my cell phone. I told him, "Because if I'm faced with a choice between catching my child or my phone, I will always catch my child." My son has noticed -- and I have told him -- that I will always feed him first, see that his needs are taken care of before my own. "I am the most important thing," he tells me confidently, repeating my words.

For me, he is a fixed point in time, his birth a moment that must always exist. I would not fiddle with my timeline, for fear of rewriting that moment, which would collapse my universe.

I fill him full of goodness, whispering to him, both asleep and awake, "I will always love you." These were the first words I spoke to him, along with his name. My mom blessed me with the same beginning, telling me about that moment, again and again, to imprint it into my life's story.

A moment recorded, once read, becomes an ineffable conclusion. My dinosaur-loving, robot-fixing builder of worlds, let's write more adventures together. And one day, when you tire of traveling with me and strike out on your own, know that I will never forget the time I was your Time Lord, and you were my companion.

Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
eternal_ot
Jan. 30th, 2016 01:52 pm (UTC)
Aww..<3 This is awesome. Beautifully written, there are so many things that I liked in this entry that I can't pinpoint one. The incarnation bit, the wise protector para, and last but not the least the "I will always love you".
You truly captured the essence of motherhood beautifully! Kudos! God Bless!
alycewilson
Jan. 30th, 2016 03:25 pm (UTC)
Thanks! It was partially inspired by the Dr. Who episode "The Lodger," where the 11th Doctor compares traveling with human companions to traveling with babies. The more I thought about it, the more I could see the similarities. Which could explain why the Doctor will put so much at risk to save them.
whipchick
Jan. 30th, 2016 04:37 pm (UTC)
Such a beautiful bond between you!
alycewilson
Jan. 30th, 2016 07:19 pm (UTC)
He is such an awesome little dude!
bleodswean
Jan. 30th, 2016 05:07 pm (UTC)
A nice and strong testimonial to a mother's love for her child. Yes.
alycewilson
Jan. 30th, 2016 07:20 pm (UTC)
Thanks. He helps my imagination to soar.
sinnamongirl
Jan. 31st, 2016 09:21 pm (UTC)
This is super sweet; I especially loved the bit about if you drop your phone and your baby, always catch the baby (I mean, it seems sort of obvious? But buying the best phone case ever really shows a good priority there). Good job!
alycewilson
Feb. 4th, 2016 04:52 pm (UTC)
That also applies to other people's babies, as I proved when a friend'a toddler threw himself at me and my phone went scittering away on the gym floor. :)
alycewilson
Feb. 4th, 2016 09:50 pm (UTC)
That also applies to other people's babies, as I proved when a friend'a toddler threw himself at me and my phone went scittering away on the gym floor. :)
sinnamongirl
Feb. 7th, 2016 08:57 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, that would freak me out. I hide all my electronics and my purse when kids come over, just easier to not worry and later find all my ID cards and money strewn all over.
alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:01 am (UTC)
That is probably wise. I had it out because I was checking something, and then there he came, flailing at me all chubby and clumsy.
encrefloue
Feb. 1st, 2016 01:18 am (UTC)
I love everything about this, but especially more so after having read your "Waffling" entry a while back and getting the chance to glimpse the interactions between you two. As the reader, I feel privileged to share even a cursory view of such a beautiful bond.
alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:03 am (UTC)
Thank you. He can be a lot of fun to have around, and I am so grateful to have him. Right now he ia singing in the bathroom, with hand clapping and everything.
dmousey
Feb. 1st, 2016 04:28 am (UTC)
This is a wonderful tribute to motherhood, and KFP sounds so sweet and adorable. I enjoyed this piece! Thanks for sharing. Peace~~~D
alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:03 am (UTC)
He truly is. Such a sweetheart, and funny and wise beyond his years.
halfshellvenus
Feb. 1st, 2016 07:49 am (UTC)
What a sweet, sweet conclusion. And so bittersweet, too, reading this when my own children are 18 and 16, and those younger years are long gone. I miss them so, but stories like these help me relive that richness.
alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:06 am (UTC)
Aww. I think sometimes about how I never called my Mom often enough. I can't expect him to do better, but he has promised he will always keep in touch. I don't know if I should trust the word of a 5-year-old, but I hope so.
misfitmanor
Feb. 1st, 2016 08:17 pm (UTC)
I could read this again and again for ages. I don't have children, but when I do, I hope I will as beautifully summarize my love for them as you have expressed yours here.

~karmasoup
alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:08 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you! It rarely happens, but this practically wrote tself after tumbling inside my head for days.
dee_aar2
Feb. 1st, 2016 10:10 pm (UTC)
I love how you come out with these snippets that so fit the prompt. Its such a great thing to see someone so involved with her little dude ... he is blessed and then so are you ... and so are we to be witness to it.
dee_aar2
Feb. 1st, 2016 10:12 pm (UTC)
And I will always love you .. so great. But what I keep repeating is ... Love you to the moon and back.... The ones I love think that;s huge when I explain and they want me to go further to next planets even. Had me relearn the planets of the solar system.
alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:10 am (UTC)
I love that song! Bought the whole Savage Garden CD for it, back in the day.
alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:09 am (UTC)
I definitely consider myself lucky! Glad it resonated with you.
prog_schlock
Feb. 1st, 2016 11:42 pm (UTC)
I love how much you developed the Dr. Who parallels here. Indeed, this is better than the whole final Matt Smith season. I would love it if the next Moffet-less season were more like this, in fact.

Also, your son sounds like he's going to be an excellent Time Lord someday himself.

Let's go with the obvious song:

alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:42 am (UTC)
Haven't heard that song in a while!

I admit that I am a Matt Smith fan. In fact, the final paragraph was inspired by what Matt Smith said to Clara just before regenerating. I hope the next team does a good job, because I have grown to dearly love this show.

You may be right about my son becoming a Time Lord himself. He certainly has a lot of the qualities already, including a never-ending curiosity and a way of seeing the world at odd angles.
ellison
Feb. 2nd, 2016 12:46 am (UTC)
I looooooooooove this. Love!!
alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:11 am (UTC)
So glad to hear it!
inteus_mika
Feb. 2nd, 2016 01:37 am (UTC)
You, my dear, are a tribute to motherhood the world over. Your son is so fortunate to have you. I have no doubt of the good man he will become in your charge.
alycewilson
Feb. 8th, 2016 12:15 am (UTC)
So nice to hear you think so! They say your personality is set by the time you are 5, and if so, he will be an enthusiastic, cheerful, thoughtful, sensitive man who loves the arts and cares deeply about those around him.
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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