December 6th, 2019

Carousel 2019

LJI ii Week 8: Unfolding

This is my entry for this week of LJ Idol (therealljidol). The topic is "My North Star."


Me and KFP at Halfway Dam in 2015


When I was a child, time
folded in on itself like paper
soaked with fresh ink, briefly
kissing my mind. When it
straightened itself,
impressions stayed. Their meaning
vanished, these ink stains
bled into thought.

The number 15, once
my lucky charm, I
abandoned as a young adult, sensing
its taint. The attic door
in our bathroom, given to opening
by itself, became
my recurring nightmare. (I soon
recognized the door as a portal
to the spirit world and spent
endless nights forcing
it closed.) When playing
with Barbie dolls, I renamed my Ken doll
"Michael," the name feeling right,
imagining him with curly
dark hair. In this

unbent half of the paper,
the ink becomes
decipherable. In 2015,
my unluckiest year, my mother
passed through the portal
in the upstairs bathroom
and became a ghost
I no longer feared. Some
years back, I met my
husband, he of the dark,
wavy hair, whose name
resonated like the truth.

I wonder now about
those unanswered impressions. Who
the girl with dark hair
and blue eyes I'd dreamt? Is she
a future grandchild? A friend
not yet encountered? And what
other ink stains, now browned
in memory, will suddenly
reveal themselves?

- December 6, 2019