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LJ Idol Season 8 - Free Week: Holiday Spokesman Finals

This is my entry this week for therealljidol. This is a free week, so there will be no voting, but please read the many fine entries. There were multiple topics this week, but I chose to work with "Self-Determination" and "A Hanukkah Miracle!"





SETTING: A stage with two podiums at stage right and a large open area to stage left with four posts at the corners, decorated with Christmas garlands. Each podium is decorated with the Travelocity logo, surrounded by glittery snowflakes. At a downstage table, stage right, the gnome is sitting, his red, cone-like hat decorated with white trim to resemble a Santa hat.

GNOME: Good evening! Welcome to the first annual Travelocity Holiday Spokesman Finals, designed to help you choose a holiday spokesman. I am your host, the Travelocity Roaming Gnome. Let me introduce your finalists!

Our challenger tonight is the Grinch, the reformed meanie from the Dr. Seuss tale who is now happy to be green. Last week, he beat out several other popular holiday characters to win a chance to represent Christmas in commercials, books, TV and movies.

Our champion is Santa Claus, the right jolly old elf who's been bringing Christmas joy for centuries. He's been rocking his modern look since the 19th Century. Looking good, Santa!

SANTA CLAUS (DRESSED IN HIS TRADITIONAL RED COAT, TRIMMED WITH WHITE): Ho, ho, ho. Thank you, Nerkin.

GNOME: (MOMENTARILY FLUMMOXED) You know my real name?

SANTA: Of course, I do! Ho, ho, ho. I see you when you're sleeping, and when you're awake.

GNOME: (LAUGHS UNEASILY) Right. I forgot about that. (PULLING HIMSELF TOGETHER) Well, let's get started. As you know, we left a crucial decision up to the voters. Would the final face-off be in the form of a debate or a cage fight? (HE GESTURES TO THE PODIUMS, BEHIND WHICH THE FINALISTS STAND) And as you can see, the voters decided...

(A HUGE, GLITTERING SILVER CAGE DESCENDS FROM THE RAFTERS AND LANDS AT STAGE LEFT, COVERING THE FOUR POSTS, WHICH ARE NOW INSIDE IT)

GNOME: ... on a cage fight!

(SFX: CANNED AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, DRAMATIC MUSIC)

GRINCH: (CLEARLY UPSET) A cage fight? You want me to fight Santa Claus in a cage fight? I refuse!

SANTA: (TO THE GRINCH) Boris, you are definitely on my nice list. Ho, ho, ho.

GNOME: We thought that might be the case. And certainly, nobody wants to see somebody punching and kicking Santa. That's why we arranged for a proxy. Step into the ring, Grinch. You won't have to fight Santa.

GRINCH: (RELUCTANTLY) What, are you going to make me fight a baby, then?

GNOME: (CHUCKLING) Hardly. Say hello to Santa Jaws, the toughest slab of Christmas beef you'll ever meet.

(SANTA JAWS ENTERS FROM DOWNSTAGE LEFT, COMING AROUND THE FRONT OF THE CAGE. HE IS A BURLY GUY WHO STANDS A GOOD FOOT AND A HALF TALLER THAN THE GRINCH. HE WEARS RED SHINY UNDERWEAR AND A TOO-SMALL RED JACKET WITH WHITE TRIM. ON TOP OF HIS HEAD IS PERCHED A SANTA HAT.)

GRINCH: (TREMBLING) Santa Jaws?

GNOME: (FORCIBLY PUSHING THE GRINCH INTO THE CAGE) That's right, Santa Jaws. He's here to kick butt and eat candy canes, and he's all out of candy canes.

(SANTA JAWS FACES THE AUDIENCE AND, LIKE THE INCREDIBLE HULK, FLEXES HIS HUGE MUSCLES AND RIPS HIS SHIRT OFF HIS CHEST, TOSSING IT ASIDE)

GRINCH: (IMMEDIATELY RUNNING TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE CAGE, AS SANTA JAWS FORCES HIS BULK THROUGH THE DOOR) (PLAINTIVELY) Can't we just talk about this? I've been practicing my debate points all week long.

SANTA JAWS: (A MAN OF FEW WORDS) No talk. Fiiiiiight!

(SANTA JAWS LUMBERS OVER TO THE GRINCH AND SQUEEZES HIM IN A BEAR HUG SO THAT THE GRINCH IS GASPING. SANTA JAWS THEN RAISES THE GRINCH HIGH OVER HIS HEAD AND SLAMS HIM DOWN ONTO THE MAT, DROPPING TO THE MAT NEXT TO HIM WITH AN ELBOW TO THE GRINCH'S STOMACH.)

GRINCH: (WEAKLY) I should warn you. I know Jiu-Jitsu.

(WORDLESSLY, SANTA JAWS CLIMBS UP ONTO THE TURNBUCKLE AND JUMPS OFF IT, LANDING ON THE GRINCH, WHO IS FLATTENED UNDERNEATH HIM)

GRINCH: (CALLING OVER TO THE SIDELINES) Santa, why are you letting him do this to me? I'm on your nice list.

SANTA: (TO THE GRINCH) Do you believe in me, Boris?

GRINCH: Of course I do, Santa.

SANTA: I believe in you, too, Boris. I believe in YOU!

(SFX: MAGICAL MUSIC)

GRINCH: You know, if I can lift a sleigh packed with an entire town's Christmas presents, then I can lift you, you Santa imposter!

(THE GRINCH ROLLS OUT FROM UNDER SANTA JAWS, THEN REACHES UNDERNEATH HIM AND, WITH HIS SPINDLY ARMS, LIFTS THE BEHEMOTH OVER HIS HEAD. THE GRINCH WHIRLS AROUND AND AROUND, FASTER AND FASTER, AND FINALLY, HE TOSSES SANTA JAWS UP TO THE TOP OF THE CAGE)

SANTA JAWS: (GRABBING ONTO THE CAGE WITH ALL HIS LIMBS) You win, you win! I ain't coming down. You never told me the guy was a freaking machine! That's it; I quit.

GNOME: (OPENS THE DOOR TO THE CAGE) And the winner is... The Grinch!

(AS THE GRINCH STEPS OUT OF THE CAGE, CONFETTI FALLS FROM THE CEILING)

GRINCH: I don't believe it! I'm the new international holiday spokesman? I'll be on Christmas cards and specials and TV commercials?

GNOME: (LOOKING AROUND, AS IF EXPECTING SOMETHING) Amazingly, yes.

(SANTA GREETS THE GRINCH WITH A CHEERY HUG, THEN GRACIOUSLY STEPS ASIDE)

GRINCH: I don't know what to say. Thank you for believing in me!

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho. You have only yourself to thank, Boris. When you believe in yourself, anything is possible.

(BEAUTIFUL ELVES STEP FROM THE WINGS AND CROWN THE GRINCH WITH A SANTA HAT.)

(AS CELEBRATORY MUSIC PLAYS, A MASKED FIGURE IN BLUE SPANDEX STEPS FROM THE SIDELINES. A SILVER STAR OF DAVID IS EMBLAZONED ON HIS CHEST.)

MASKED FIGURE: (LOUDLY) Not if I have anything to do with it! It is I, Jew Jitsu, the Hanukah Miracle Man.

GNOME: (SIGHING) Forget it. Even Santa is on board with this. The Grinch won.

MASKED FIGURE: Do I still get paid?

GNOME: I don't know. Talk to Stan. You missed your cue.

SANTA: Nerkin, pay the man! You don't want another mark on the naughty list, do you?

GNOME: No, Santa.

SANTA: (TAKING OVER THE GNOME'S MICROPHONE) Merry Christmas everyone, and to all a good night!




Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone! Here's my holiday gift to you all: video shot yesterday of my Kung Fu Panda playing phone.






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Tags: christmas, holidays, humor, kung fu panda, lj idol, videos
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