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LJ Idol Season 8 - Week 30: Complaints

This is my entry this week for therealljidol. I invite you to read and vote for the many fine entries. This week were supposed to write about five six topics. This entry is on the topic "Gobsmacked."

5005 Nonsense Street
Suite ONYD
Ruse, California

Dear Sirs:

I wish to complain about your product, Gobsmackers, which I purchased from the local bodega about 35 minutes ago. When I took my purchase up to the counter, the young lady at the till took one look at my package, then punched me in the mouth.

When I objected, she gave me some line about being "contractually obligated" and turned my attention to the fine print on the package, where it said that the purchaser agrees to accept the consequences, which may or may not include inconvenience, embarrassment and light physical injury.

Naturally, I was flummoxed, but she urged me to contact the company to discuss the matter further. Imagine my dismay when I opened the box, only to discover that it was empty save for a piece of paper reading, "Hope it was nothing you expected but everything you needed."

I expected some nice jaw breakers, not to be punched in the kisser. I demand a full refund and restitution for the icepack I had to place on my jaw. Receipts are included, totaling $13.56.

A dissatisfied customer,
Horace C. Avuncular


Horace Avuncular
45 Disgruntled Lane
Pattycake, Illinois

Dear Mr. Avuncular (Or may I call you Hor?):

I deeply apologize for your unsatisfactory experience. The cashier should never have hit you until after you paid. After all, we're not in the business of giving away our product for free. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We have sent a stern warning regarding the cashier in question.

As for expecting to obtain jaw breakers, you obviously have us confused with the similarly named company, Gobstoppers. We have nothing to do with that company, and if you ever receive anything as mundane as jaw breakers in a Gobsmackers package, I will punish whatever low-brained twit was responsible.

Thank you for expressing your views. We welcome customer input to make our product ever more rewarding. Please accept the enclosed coupon for a family-sized package of Gobsmackers as compensation.

Buddy Halcyon
President, Gobsmackers International


Dear Mr. Halcyon:

Despite some phraseology in your missive leading me to doubt your sincerity, I believed your voucher to be a peace offering. When I attempted to redeem it, the cashier was the same one as before. She informed me I could only redeem it in the presence of my family. I explained that my family lived out-of-state, but she told me to do the best I could. I returned with my miniature schnauzer, and she gave me a small umbrella to hold over the dog. Then she dumped a bucket of ice-cold water over my head.

Poor Mr. Smithers (my schnauzer) was so startled that he piddled all over me. Furthermore, I was wearing a dry-clean-only ensemble, which I had to take to the dry cleaner's.

Enclosed is a bill for the dry cleaning and for a pet therapy session for Mr. Smithers, who is still recovering. I will only accept restitution; a coupon is not sufficient. You, sir, are a cad.

Horace C. Avuncular


Dear Horrie:

Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm afraid you are the wrong sort of customer for our product. Clearly, you are too old and easily discomfited. Gobsmackers is a product only for young risk-takers who enjoy being shaken out of their comfort zone. You, however, are a fuddy-duddy.

Enclosed is a check for full restitution. Do not darken our doorsteps again. If I find out you've attempted to buy our product, I will set a team of lawyers on you that will not only fleece you but will debone you, as well.

Buddy Halcyon


Mr. Halcyon:

In your last letter, you accused me of being old and out of touch. I am only 25. To prove you wrong, I entered the same establishment to make one final Gobsmackers purchase. As I suspected, the same cashier was behind the counter. She eyed me oddly: "Are you sure you want to buy that?" she asked.

I told her about your recent letter and how you'd accused me of being a stifled stick-in-the-mud. "I'm too young to be mistaken for an old man," I said. "Do your worst."

She told me to close my eyes. I acquiesced and steeled myself for whatever might arise. Would she sideswipe my legs from under me? Stick my hands in a bucket of mud, thus ruining my manicure? Would she "pants" me, leaving me embarrassed in my Garfield boxers? No, sir. She kissed me.

That's right: she kissed me. A tender, whispery feather on my lips that lingered hopefully. I opened my eyes, and she gazed into them sweetly. "How much do I owe you?" I asked.

"How about dinner?" she responded.

You're right, sir. I was stuck in my ways. Gobsmackers was nothing I expected but everything I needed.

Horace C. Avuncular


My Dear Horace:

Your story warms the cockles of my heart. Enclosed is another coupon for a family-sized Gobsmackers. Hopefully, one day you'll be able to redeem it.

(If you do end up marrying the clerk, please write me. It would make a terrific commercial campaign!)

Buddy Halcyon

Once again, thanks to roina_arwen for her editing suggestions and to my husband, The Gryphon, a.k.a. toanstation, who read through it, as well.

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( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 19th, 2012 03:45 am (UTC)
This was cute and took an interesting turn!
Jun. 19th, 2012 04:39 am (UTC)
Thank you! I wanted to do something a little different.
Jun. 19th, 2012 03:27 pm (UTC)
Hahaha... I was not expecting that ending. If such a product existed, I think I'd like to buy it.
Jun. 19th, 2012 03:47 pm (UTC)
Remember: you get what you pay for!
Jun. 19th, 2012 03:45 pm (UTC)
Winner. I saw the ending coming and still loved it!
Jun. 19th, 2012 03:55 pm (UTC)
That's funny. I watched my husband reading it, and he did a doubletake at the end. I guess you and I think alike.
Jun. 19th, 2012 07:25 pm (UTC)
Cute and clever!
Jun. 20th, 2012 04:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm an anglophile, so I could stop thinking of "gobsmacked" as meaning "hit in the mouth (a.k.a. gob)."
Jun. 20th, 2012 01:33 am (UTC)
Oh, lol! :D
Jun. 20th, 2012 04:56 pm (UTC)
Yay! That's the reaction I was going for.
Jun. 20th, 2012 10:03 pm (UTC)
This is delightful! Sassy and sweet and compelling and funny all at the same time - I so enjoyed watching the story develop, and the epistolary form was perfect!
Jun. 20th, 2012 11:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I wanted to take on a range of different forms this week, because of the number of entries we had.
Jun. 20th, 2012 11:07 pm (UTC)
Really cute stuff. I was reminded slightly of the classic Python "Argument Clinic" sketch. That's a good thing. :)
Jun. 20th, 2012 11:40 pm (UTC)
Good call. It was deliberately "Pythonesque," down to the use of needlessly formal language and obscure verbiage. I'm a huge Python fan.
Jun. 21st, 2012 03:24 am (UTC)
Dear Ms. Wilson:

We at Killer Cereals wish it known that our fine product, Frosted Gobsmacks, is in no way affiliated with your Gobsmackers, and furthermore occupies an entirely different niche in specialty food markets, as Gobsmacks primarily serve the real-sugar energy-cereal market and Gobsmackers serve those seeking violent life-alteration snacking.

If you do not keep to your side of the Internet forthwith, our lawyers will be forced to engage in some serious fish-slapping, and we know no one wants that!

Yours truly, sincerely, etc. etc.

Beldar Z. Fixon
Vice President for Cereal Lore
Killer Cereals, makers of fine Gobsmacks for less than 100 years
Jul. 5th, 2012 07:19 am (UTC)
Dear Mr. Fixit:

We have been too busy putting out fires lately to respond to your legal threat. After the above-mentioned clerk went AWOL to get hitched in Las Vegas, we hired a ne'er-do-well who had an unhealthy penchant for lighters. You have no idea how expensive it can be to replace people's Kindles, which despite the name, are NOT fireproof.

At any rate, we are happy to concede to your request to keep our business model separate from yours. We have no desire to sell stale cereal, and the only fish I'm planning on slapping soon is a marlin on a fishing vacation in the Bahamas.

Yours, etc., etc., etc.
Buddy Halcyon
Jun. 21st, 2012 02:46 pm (UTC)
Very original. Enjoyed immensely!
Jun. 22nd, 2012 04:12 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad.
Jun. 22nd, 2012 04:02 am (UTC)
:D I love the overlapping of Gobsmackers for Gobstoppers. I understand the customer's confusion entirely.

Or may I call you Hor?
Yes, this rarely ends well.

I'm pleased that, in the end, Horace DID get everything he wanted and nothing he expected.
Jun. 22nd, 2012 04:11 am (UTC)
It's nice when it works out that way, isn't it?
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

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