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This is my entry this week in the mini-season of therealljidol, Exhibit B. Please read and vote for the many fine entries and definitely throw some support to my partner, florencestoker. This week was an intersection, and we each wrote on a different topic. My topic was "Chillin' Like a Villain." My partner's entry was written on the topic "You Gave Everything You Possibly Could."



I've been in a nostalgic mood lately, and having acquired the software necessary to digitize my old cassette tapes, I've been listening to things I made in elementary school. Back then, I had a clunky black Radio Shack tape recorder that I used to record my own "radio interviews" for my fake radio station, WMLT, as well as audio skits with friends and family. This little gem was one I'd completely forgotten about: in fact, I didn't remember it until my Mom gave me a box full of items she'd recovered from under a loose floorboard in the back of my closet. Along with a dusty Barbie doll with a homemade pixie cut, and a dog-eared copy of the Judy Blume book "Forever", there was this tape, marked only "WMLT Drac. Int. DO NOT PLAY."




A: Hi, I'm here today with the scariest vampire of all time... Dracula!

So, Mr. Dracula, what's it like to be so scary?


D: I prefer to think of it as misunderstood.

A: What's there to understand? You suck people's blood until they die, right?

D: That is a very crude way of putting it. I prefer to think that I am granting people a gift, the dark gift of eternal life.

A: Before you get that gift, you have to die, right?

D: Excuse me. We have not properly been introduced. I know that you are the representative of this radio station, WMLT, but I am a bit confused. I expected somebody a little... older. You seem to be a mere child.

A: I am 10 years old, but I'm in the Gifted Program at school, so that's more like being 12 or 13.

D: Does your mother know you're talking to me?

A: I don't need my mother's permission. This is my radio station, and I call the shots. Are you the boss of me? No, you're not the boss of me.

Now, do you want to continue with the interview or not?


D: Proceed.

A: So where were we? Oh, yes. You suck people's blood, they die and then come back to life, forever damned to be a bloodsucker like you. And then they also have to suck blood and kill people.

Speaking of dying, didn't they kill you at the end of the book?


D: Well, that is what the book says. The book said many things that were inaccurate.

A: Give me an example.

D: The book makes it appear that I had some sort of predatory relationship with Lucy, but the truth is, we were in love.

A: She was in love with a big, creepy guy who smells like a coffin?

D: You have a charming candor about you. I suppose that is the way you see me. You are a foolish little girl. Lucy, however, was a woman with more sophisticated tastes.

A: If you say so. Or maybe you just used magic on her... "Blah, blah! I vant to suck your blood!"

D: I don't say that.

A: Well, it wouldn't matter what you said if you hypnotized her with your gaze, right?

D: It wasn't like that. She was very willing.

A: Right! She was willing after the hypnotizing. Like I said.

Hey, how did you get here? It's the middle of the afternoon. I thought you weren't supposed to be out in the sunlight.


D: A common myth, perpetuated by ridiculous Hollywood movies.

A: But doesn't the sunlight do something to you, like sap your powers?

D: It is true that I am weaker in the daytime.

A: Oh, so THAT'S why you haven't hypnotized me!

D: I have no desire to hypnotize you, delightful though you are. You are a very naive young lady who talks about things of which you have no idea.

A: So back to the book's ending. I thought they put a stake through your chest. I might be young, but I know that kills a vampire.

D: They were cowards, all of them, especially that blowhard American. He deserved his ignominious death. Typical of him, he failed to hit the true mark. While he was making his final speech, I used my last reserves of energy, as the sun's rays grew brighter, to mentally transmit a message to my second love, Mina, that she should tell them all that I was dead. She was the only true witness of that moment, and she told them that a look of peace crossed my face and I was no more. She always lied so beautifully.

A: I thought that part sounded fishy! After all, you're a vampire, so you're damned. There's no peace for you in the afterlife. You wouldn't look peaceful. You'd look as if the fires of hell were burning your eyeballs!

D: Again, with your refreshing candor. Don't tell me you've read such a complicated book already, at your tender age? No wonder you are so confused about the details.

A: I'm not confused. I'm reading well above my reading level. But I never believed that you would be so easy to kill. I mean, you'd survived thousands of years already. Nobody ever figured out who you were before or where your coffin was? It doesn't make sense.

D: This conversation is growing increasingly unpleasant. Can we talk about something else?

A: Sure, I have a question. Did Stoker create you, and if he did, how come you keep showing up in other books, movies, plays, and such?

D: Herr Stoker did bring me to life. That much is true. But I have lived on in the words of others, transmuting like a bat into new incarnations. Their collective words give me power. They are... the life!

A: (pause) So... if we all stop talking about you, then you'd finally die?

D: (longer pause) Um... I must be going.

(SFX: Bat fluttering away)

A: "Blah, blah, I must be going to suck some blood!" (giggle)

D: (from a long distance away) I don't say that.

A: Thanks for joining me for my interview of Dracula, which I'm going to hide in the back of my closet so no one ever hears it. Why give that blood sucker eternal life, right?

WMLT... the Spying Team!





What have I done?

Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
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medleymisty
May. 17th, 2013 12:26 am (UTC)
This was awesome and very cute and I liked it a lot! Haha - I remember reading Dracula and being all into it, although I think that was middle school?

In the Sims 2, vampires would say "Bleh bleh!" ;)
alycewilson
May. 17th, 2013 03:35 am (UTC)
I have to confess: while my parents did allow me to read the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy -- which has LOTS of scary stuff in it -- my mom actually gave me a stern talking to when she found me reading "The Shining." She told me that once you read stuff like that, it stays in your head and becomes "part of you." That sufficiently scared me off horror until college, when I devoured "Frankenstein," "Dracula" and pretty much all of H.P. Lovecraft.

But I think I would have been capable of understanding it in middle school, given some of the other things I was reading back then.

Bleh bleh!
(no subject) - ashgaelsonaria - May. 20th, 2013 10:31 am (UTC) - Expand
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similiesslip
May. 17th, 2013 01:25 am (UTC)
This was very creative. You had the "voice" of the child exactly right. Very well done!
alycewilson
May. 17th, 2013 03:36 am (UTC)
Thank you! I really did listen to some of my early "radio" tapes recently, which is why it was easy to get back into that voice.
myrna_bird
May. 17th, 2013 01:30 am (UTC)
Glad I could read this as LJ has been acting up. This was really cute. I think you were preparing for your storytelling even at age 10. My first Dracula was the wonderful Bela Lugosi in b&w, of course. I 've always enjoyed vampir stuff!
alycewilson
May. 17th, 2013 03:37 am (UTC)
I was introduced to Bela Lugosi via the Abbott and Costello movie, and I found him pretty laughable at the time. It was only much later, when I went through a vampire phase, that I truly began to appreciate his portrayal.
x_disturbed_x
May. 17th, 2013 01:32 am (UTC)
Oh this was so adorable and I could see myself doing something like this. :P
alycewilson
May. 17th, 2013 03:38 am (UTC)
That is awesome. :) I think the person I was when I was that age, I would have done that, too. And I can completely believe that, had I had the opportunity, I would have interviewed Dracula without telling my mom!
tatdatcm
May. 17th, 2013 02:08 am (UTC)
Loved your take on the topic. It was very creative. I love the precociousness of the interviewer and Dracula's reaction. The touches of humor were great too.

I really like the idea that the words are what keeps him alive and how she hides him away so he cannot live.
alycewilson
May. 17th, 2013 03:40 am (UTC)
When I was first thinking about this, I was going to write it with an adult interviewer who was sort of vapid and doesn't realize how dangerous Dracula really is. But that didn't feel right to me. This version came to me while taking my son to the library today and imagining what a child would say to Dracula. Eureka!
witchdollie
May. 19th, 2013 05:48 am (UTC)
I love how this was written! Very cool!

Edited at 2013-05-19 05:48 am (UTC)
alycewilson
May. 21st, 2013 03:41 am (UTC)
Thank you very much!
halfshellvenus
May. 21st, 2013 03:24 am (UTC)
This was pure gold. I love it when you write comedy, and what a great setup this was.

Dracula is so relentlessly polite here, even though the interviewer is so obviously testing his patience. It's part of his charm. ;)
alycewilson
May. 21st, 2013 03:41 am (UTC)
Based, of course, on Stoker's Dracula, who was accepted into the best parlors in the beginning of the book based on his good breeding and civility. If you say his lines out loud, though, I believe there was a little testiness sneaking in. :)

I'm glad you enjoyed it. My initial idea was to go even broader with the comedy, but I thought that would be too obvious. That's when I hit on the idea to have myself as a child be the interviewer.
sweeny_todd
May. 21st, 2013 03:47 am (UTC)
you got that little kid voice down pat! very cute.
alycewilson
May. 21st, 2013 04:06 am (UTC)
Thank you!
cheshire23
May. 21st, 2013 05:34 am (UTC)
His charm just isn't working on her. I love it. :)
alycewilson
May. 21st, 2013 03:37 pm (UTC)
It seriously wouldn't have. At that age, I wasn't even interested in boys yet. :)
_rabidwombat_
May. 21st, 2013 12:08 pm (UTC)
hahaa! This is great! :)
alycewilson
May. 21st, 2013 03:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you!!!
p_m_cryan
May. 21st, 2013 01:36 pm (UTC)
This is FABULOUS, and pitch-perfect. I can see your young and gleeful protoganist, and the patient-and trying-not-to-eyeroll Dracula.

I have a few tapes of my college radio show. recorded between 1980 and 1985, and heaven help me at how *earnest* and sweetly sincere I sounded then.
alycewilson
May. 21st, 2013 03:41 pm (UTC)
LOL I know. I'm currently working on a project where I'm compiling my online Penn State Monty Python Society history into an ebook for some of the contributors to my Indiegogo campaign. It's fun to revisit an earlier version of me, who was more overtly silly than I am today. It reminded me that I used to love to pull pranks like leaving bulletins for fake classes in the administrative building at Penn State. I never got to see the reactions from those who found them, but I always giggled, walking away.

Glad you liked the use of tone. I based it on the fake radio interviews I used to record back then (often playing both parts). In my attempts to be professional, I often came off as a little over confident.
michikatinski
May. 21st, 2013 01:37 pm (UTC)
This made me laugh out loud. Especially: "but I'm in the gifted program at school, so that's more like being 12 or 13." :-D
alycewilson
May. 21st, 2013 03:41 pm (UTC)
*grin* And I probably would have said that back then, too!
roina_arwen
May. 22nd, 2013 04:00 am (UTC)
This was a fun approach to the topic, LOL!

(Just FYI in case you're not aware, this icon is from the short-lived TV series Moonlight, about a vampire (icon) who works as a PI.

Edited at 2013-05-22 04:01 am (UTC)
kandigurl
May. 22nd, 2013 04:05 am (UTC)
LOVE!! I used to record stuff as a kid, too, but none of it was any good. :)
favoritebean
May. 22nd, 2013 07:27 am (UTC)
This is quite funny, and reminds me of what my childhood bff and I would have done. Well, except we did Poe, and not Dracula. Still, brava!
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