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LJ Idol Week 0: Meet Mead

This is my LJ Idol (therealljidol) entry for Week 0. The topic is Introduction.
My Mead Five-Star notebook with the aqua vinyl cover could tell stories about me. Nearly as old as my fourth-grade son, my aqua companion has followed me anywhere a keyboard couldn't for the past nine years. Usually with a pen (black ballpoint preferred) tucked into its spiral, Mead is beat-up, heavy with ink and still open to new experiences.

Flipping through the first section of the two-subject notebook is like a Cliff's Notes of my life. The first entry, dated June 14, 2010, chronicles an odd dream I had shortly after my husband and I brought our son home. The handwriting is even worse than my usual cramped mess -- loose and light, the pen barely kissing the page. A sure indication of both sleep deprivation and, most likely, the painkillers I was still on to deal with postnatal pains.
Next page contains a list of ingredients for the three dishes my Mom and sister had made and stuck in the freezer for me, to last me through the baby boot camp that is a newborn. This was after my son began to suffer from gas pains so severe that the pediatrician recommended I cut out foods that are known to produce gas. All the food had onions in it, which was forbidden, so my husband had to cook every meal for me, as I recovered on bed rest. We had no TV in the bedroom, and in those days, no streaming sites on the computer. I listened to the local public radio station all day long, wrote, nursed, napped, and watched the undulating leaves in the trees outside our rented rowhouse in suburban Philly.

Then, some pages of notes during Otakon 2010 (the annual convention celebrating East Asian culture, particularly anime), when I ran Press Relations while my sister served as a live-in nanny in our hotel room. After that year, I took a couple years off as the head of Press Relations, feeling guilty about all the attention it had taken away from my new baby.

A couple of pages of food tracking, before I moved to an app on my phone. I lost 20 pounds almost immediately, still above my pre-pregnancy weight, but I've since gained it all back plus 40 more. I blame age and stress.

Pages of notes from writing panels I attended at that year's Philcon (the annual science fiction convention where my husband and I are panelists) were followed by a handwritten LJ Idol entry, the first of many filling my buddy Mead in these past nine years of parenting. I often find myself writing on the sidelines of my son's activities, like today, in the library as he participates in LEGO Club.

Then, seven pages of poetry, with lines crossed out, but not so much you can't see them. I prefer to write poems by hand, so you can see what you cut out. Sometimes scrapped lines turn up in another work later.

A jump, then, to five years later, notes from a parent meeting before my son, whose online nickname is Kung Fu Panda or KFP, started kindergarten. Mead has chronicled many such events, and since I jump around between the sections in the two-subject notebook, Mead lacks chronological cohesion, flitting about like memories.

Next, a couple short personal narratives about my parenting experience. I don't remember now whether they were for LJ Idol or for the parenting book I shelved indefinitely because of what comes next.
In extremely sober print -- the way I write when I need to make sure someone can read it, unlike my nearly indecipherable crazy-grandmother cursive handwriting -- is the first draft of the obituary for my mother, Vivian Starr, who died suddenly, just before Thanksgiving 2015. After that begin pages and pages of notes dealing with estate business: talking to my lawyer, a list of things to do, finances and expenses, the phone number for the pastor who would perform the funeral. So many people attended the service for my 72-year-old mom that I wished she could have seen how many people showed up to honor her.

More Philcon notes, because we attended it in 2015 anyway, between her death and the funeral. I simply needed something normal away from the misery. (But misery followed me.)

Three more pages of estate notes, an inventory of the valuables within her house. Then a letter to my Mom, and a poem inspired by her. At the bottom of that page, more estate notes.

A page of notes from the first-grade preview, where the school administrators spent more time talking about disciplinary programs than about academics. This marks the date I decided for sure to move us into a better school district. We found an apartment in a nearby suburb with a much better school by late summer, just in time for first grade.

A page of catalogue numbers corresponding to my Mom's hundreds of art pieces, listing the ones my Dad felt should make it into the retrospective art show we hosted a few years after her death, on what would have been my Mom's 75th birthday.  My parents had remained friends, and Dad's apartment above his osteopathic practice served as long-term storage of my Mom's artwork until the show, after which my siblings and I divided them up. Mom would have been a little irked by the way my Dad roamed the art show, talking to visitors about her work. But by then, her wife had taken her bitterness to the opposite end of the country, so there was no one present to object. As I watched him lauding the ethereal light of Mom's pastels and watercolors, I could tell my Dad had never stopped loving her.

That's the last page in the first section of the notebook, and a good place to stop. If I kept going, you'd discover more poetry, the catalogue of my mother's art, a few haphazard journal entries, and notes from my genealogical research. In the past four years, I've found comfort in unraveling the ever-fascinating tapestry of my family's past. Like an archeologist, delving into the details of the people who made me me, and the me that writes in Mead.



( 22 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 20th, 2019 09:57 am (UTC)
This is really interesting. I love that you have a notebook that tells your story over the years.
Sep. 20th, 2019 11:17 am (UTC)
Thank you! This is only the most recent one. It's kind of amazing it's lasted me so long, but I think it must be because so much of my writing is done on a computer these days.
Sep. 20th, 2019 01:11 pm (UTC)
I still love those spiral notebooks 📒.
Sep. 20th, 2019 02:20 pm (UTC)
Me, too. There's something satisfying about them. I would have a lot more in there except that for a couple years, I primarily wrote by dictating into a voice recorder while pushing my son around the neighborhood. It was the only way he would nap!

Edited at 2019-09-20 02:24 pm (UTC)
Sep. 20th, 2019 03:11 pm (UTC)
I never seem to complete a notebook and have a horrible habit of buying a new one each year!
Very cool to have one last for many years.
Sep. 20th, 2019 04:20 pm (UTC)
Yes, it's kind of amazing, actually. Even the ones I have that are mostly filled usually have a couple empty pages in the back.

I understand the urge to buy a new notebook. Even in these paperless days, one of my favorite places to visit is the office aisle of the store!
Sep. 20th, 2019 10:37 pm (UTC)
Sorry about the loss of mom. Another well done entry.
Sep. 23rd, 2019 11:41 am (UTC)
Thanks. You are one of the people I know who can appreciate how much losing someone changes your life. I'd only lost grandparents before, and while I mourned them, it didn't feel like such a significant, life-altering moment as losing my mom.
Sep. 21st, 2019 12:53 am (UTC)
I thought this was a brilliant way to frame an essay. It made me think of the way that certain notebooks can start to take on, almost a life of their own.
I also share in your instance on writing poetry by hand.
As it seems that you are fluent in many styles, would you say that you are primarily interested in science fiction?
Sep. 23rd, 2019 11:40 am (UTC)
Good assumption, since I'm a Philcon panelist. However, I'm on the Philcon panels primarily as a publisher of SF, since that's one of the genres that I publish in my online literary magazine, Wild Violet . I'm also often on fan-type panels about movies, television and literature.

Actually, I primarily write non-fiction, humor and poetry. Thanks for asking!
Sep. 23rd, 2019 08:33 pm (UTC)
That's awesome!
Sep. 21st, 2019 03:21 am (UTC)
I love that you've had a notebook that's been with you for as long as Mead has, and that it gives you a chance to see your story play out in all your notes. It's nice to see you this season. Makes idol feel a little like home to see familiar faces.
Sep. 23rd, 2019 11:38 am (UTC)
Thanks! I'm really excited about seeing everybody's writing again. It always inspires me to push myself.
Sep. 22nd, 2019 01:41 pm (UTC)
I absolutely love this and how the notebook tells a story :D
And I'm really glad to see you again!
Sep. 23rd, 2019 11:37 am (UTC)
Thanks! It was kind of a stroke of genius. I'm sitting there with the notebook, wondering how to start. Then I began thinking of how many things I've written in that notebook and realized the notebook itself could be the introduction.
Sep. 23rd, 2019 12:52 am (UTC)
I love that you manage to fill it. I have many such notebooks, all with a page here, a page there. I love that you have a... a pastiche of moments.
Sep. 23rd, 2019 11:37 am (UTC)
I don't know if I'll totally fill it (I don't always), but at this rate, it's just easier to carry around the same old thing than to find something new. :)
Sep. 23rd, 2019 06:53 am (UTC)
It's so interesting to find out more about you--and your process-- through these notebooks. Clearly they have served you well. :)
Sep. 23rd, 2019 07:57 am (UTC)
Thank you! Except for poetry, it's more a matter of convenience, but it means that I can fit writing into my busy schedule.
Sep. 23rd, 2019 06:54 pm (UTC)
I also love a good notebook! Although I’m really fascinated by the idea of how blank spaces captivate us sometimes when we don’t really realize that what we’re attracted to is the chance of a fresh start. And what you have here is more impressive than that- what you have is a journey of having stuck with the notebook even as the blank space dwindled away, which is interesting on a more complicated level, I think.
Sep. 23rd, 2019 08:15 pm (UTC)

I love a walk through a notebook! I've kept notebooks since I was a kid and was always fascinated by past versions of me. I love the included pictures. I am a sucker for handwriting. Thank you for this rare glimpse behind the curtain.

Sep. 24th, 2019 12:20 am (UTC)
Hi again! I'm so glad you're back. Fascinating! A rare glimpse into the private "workings" of a writer.
( 22 comments — Leave a comment )

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